if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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