Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
