Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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