I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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