Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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