Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
