Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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