So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
