I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize