so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
