I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
