Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
