I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
