Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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