Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
now i know why i became what i already was.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize
