I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
