it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We were destined to go to rehab together
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
