this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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