Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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