Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
