I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
