Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize