my phone needs a breathalizer
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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