how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
