The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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