get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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