Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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