People with herpes should wear stickers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize