my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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