He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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