$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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