I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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