hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
no, he came in my armpit
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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