Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
