WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
