you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize