My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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