So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
