So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
