So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Randomize
