If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
