Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize