This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize