so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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