Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
