I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
