I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
