I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
