i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
