Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
