im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
