My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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