You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
