need another drink. this is the easiest way
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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