The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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