so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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