The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
