We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
