Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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