First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize