all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
