u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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