note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
