mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
